The Jesters Playing King or The Iowa Republican Debate

"This is Bret Baier, and I enjoy listening to bullshit."

Thursday night I had the horrible misfortune of watching Fox News for the first time in a while. What made it particularly painful was instead of hearing one idiot prattle about debt reduction or the heinous crime of abortion, I had to hear a whole stage full of them. For those of you skipped out but want your daily fill of idiocy, gather around.

I should start off by saying I came in a bit late during the debate. The first event I witnessed is something I will call the Paul-Santorum rally on Iran. This was one of Ron Paul's rare moments of reason, where he argued that the best policy to deal with Iran is free trade and a dropping of the long standing sanctions. Naturally, he took a lot of flak for suggesting such an idea. Even most members of America's Left would take issue with it. (Personally, I am almost certain he is right; Iran has the region's most modernized and pro-America populace aside of Israel, and allowing US companies to spread their products to Iran would greatly de-legitimize the regime's ability to blame America and the West for its own economic failings). Rick Santorum (and probably 95% of the Fox viewership) could not comprehend what the congressman was arguing and instantly went on a crazy tirade that claimed Iran has killed more US serviceman in Iraq and Afghanistan than Iraqis and Afghans (even though Iran actually offered to aid in the capture of Taliban who were escaping Afghanistan in 2001 and has been at war with both the Baathist regime of Iraq and the Taliban). Paul countered on how the US had caused the hostilities with Iran originally in 1953 with the reinstatement of the Shah and the 1979 revolution was only a reaction to that, but was quickly decried by Santorum as apologizing for US policy which only protects liberty and freedom. Yes, because putting one of the most despotic dynasties in Persian history after creating the region's first truly free and independent republic is the standard for defending liberty. Oh did I mention that this was done twice? However, I digress. Cain and Bachmann fortunately came to Santorum's aid, because attacking Iran when talking about foreign policy is such a risky move in US politics. The whole thing reeked of 2004 when the Bush administration tried to brainwash the country into thinking the world was safer without Saddam Hussein and those who would question that fact are apologists for the terrorists.

So what came next? Oh yes, questions on social policy. This is such a joke it almost isn't worth talking about. But let's go through the basic review. Mitt Romney talked about the necessity of a national marriage amendment, because marriage should be consistently defined in the nation in order to prevent issues in divorce law, tax benefits, and children rights. All of which is a hilarious argument, because every state acknowledges heterosexual marriage so the only effect of such an amendment would be to permanently disenfranchise gay couples. Good job, Mitt, use the argument that actually is the primary justification to your opposition in order to promote your side. While we are on the subject of homosexuality, Santorum was quick to condemn Iran's oppression of gays regarding foreign policy, but I did not see him running to their defense during the social policy round.

Bachmann got a positively bizarre question regarding whether or not she would “submit” to the will of her husband. The context, which only barely matters, was that her submission to the will of her husband, as is ordained in the Bible, was why she entered tax law in the first place. Her response was actually not terrible, but the fact that this question was even allowed to be asked shows the insanity of the Right. That question was sexism disguised under the guise of religion and has no place whatsoever in our political forum, but then again I am neither a Republican nor a Christian so what do I know about right or wrong?

Oh and then came abortion. Abortion is always something fun to talk about, especially if you are Jon Huntsman. Then you can give your cute little anecdotes of a Supreme Court case where a rapist could not be put to death but the child could be. Well that's one way of putting it. Here's another that I just made up on the spot, “The man accused of being a rapist could not have the death penalty invoked against him, but the victim has the right to choose to abort the embryo conceived from the rape.” But I'll let you decide which wins over pro-life supporters. Huntsman condemned the courts for allowing what he called two crimes against the unborn child. You know, I wouldn't mind pro-lifers if they all didn't happen to be the exact same people who constantly invoke the “welfare queen” story when asked about their stance on Medicaid, food stamps, and federally funded school lunch programs. Even Ron Paul, the paladin of libertarians, said doctors who perform “illegal” abortions should have civil or maybe even criminal suits filed against them. You got to love the fact that a man whose whole premise is that government has expanded its mandate too far, is just fine with extending its jurisdiction into a woman's vagina.

And finally came the economy. Let's listen to the brilliance of the vanguards of the Jobs Creators ©. Good old Job Creator © Mitt was questioned as how he would go about making jobs, to which he replied that in order to make jobs one needs to have had a job. Yes, because serving on the faculty of one of the most esteemed universities in the nation is the same as being unemployed. Even the crowd booed at this comment, probably because the best that the “presidential” heavyweight could do is make non-witty quips about the president. He should leave such bad comedy to Leno.

Fortunately Job Creator © Jon Huntsman had Real Solutions ^TM. Yes, Huntsman has a serious history of job creation and wants to make America the great country it was... by encouraging manufacturing. And does he have a plan to bring back slave lab- I mean manufacturing, back to the US; he wants to end the oppressive tyranny of the EPA. You heard it here first folks, the Environmental Protection Agency is why all of the US companies moved manufacturing to LDCs. The fact we have a minimum wage and a maximum work week of 40 hours has absolutely nothing to do with it. Nor does the fact that corporations exploit tax loopholes by moving operations out of the control to pay literally no taxes. Instead it is the fact that companies cannot blow sulfur into our air and pour heavy metals into our rivers. I am not saying safety concerns do not contribute to increased costs for the bottom line, but it is not even comparable to the fact that laborers in Cambodia and Pakistan get paid $1 a day for 60 hour work weeks, as opposed to the $8/hr plus health benefits, vacation time and what not for 40 hour work weeks the equivalent American would make. Nor am I saying it is a bad thing we mandate having such a higher standard of living; we should instead encourage other nations to not be subjugated to such hellish work. Could it be that Huntsman has ulterior motives for wanting the EPA to be disbanded? Well he only worked for a chemical engineering firm, so fortunately that is not an issue.

Now some of you may be wondering, “Oh Arugula Eater, what about the spending crisis and debt ceiling idiocy that had been going on for the past month? Did none of the candidates spout bullshit about how we should not have raised the debt ceiling?” Of course they did, silly! That's what this paragraph is about! Naturally Bachmann was quick to call the Most Holy Bargain a terrible mistake and pointed to the S&P downgrade as proof. Yes the very credit downgrade which identified the Republican inability to compromise on revenue sources and taxation as one of its reasons, is the justification the congresswoman uses to show her extremism and hostage taking of the US debt as valid. You really cannot make this shit up. Furthermore, she claimed in the process President Obama got a $2.4 Trillion blank check. I really want to know if she is reading the same bill as me, because when I read it the president only got a chance to make a mockery out of the progressive values which inspired the Left to vote for him. Job Creator© Herman Cain proudly touted his anti-debt ceiling stance. Fighting words for a man whose only constituency is people who enjoy crappy pizza.

But let's not forget Prospector Paul and his mad gold rush. Indeed, the congressman took great pride in the fact that he helped lead the new generation of Andrew Jackson worshipers and restated his opposition to the growing national debt. He claimed that the proper steps would be for the Fed to have simply destroyed over $1T in the bond markets to put off the ceiling vote. Yes, because raising the interest rates is exactly what you want to do in a recession where there is low demand. Fortunately, Jon Huntsman rode in with some distant cousin of logic and attacked the other candidates for their lack of pragmatism and vowing to never let the United States to default. All very valid, until he then praised Speaker Boehner for his bravery. Of course all of this was undone by the end of the debate, when Huntsman identified the national debt as the biggest threat to America, once again demonstrating the fact that these people are fixated with Hooverism.

Once the debate was all said and done, nothing had really changed. America's economy still in the gutter. The partisanship in Congress is worse than the Bush era, even though now there is a president who wishes to end it to the point that he uses his own party as the sacrificial lamb. And the Republican candidates are all brim full of shit. Based on the foxnews.com audience ratings, Michelle Bachmann and Herman Cain appeared to have won the debate, keeping us on track for the Mayan apocalypse. I for one welcome the Bachmann/Cain 2012 ticket. Then Obama would only have to campaign on “I can look at the camera straight,” to win.

It's like she is looking at you but she isn't at the same time.

Oh right, I almost forgot Tim Pawlenty was also at the debate. He said things. I usually went to the bathroom or got something to drink during that. Don't worry, I am sure it wasn't as hilariously crazy as the things other people said, but I am sure that he was just as stupid as the rest of them.